, and if you have any----"

"The Cigar Department is on the ground floor."

"But your Lord Chamberlain told me I was to come here if I wanted a
present for a child."

"If you require anything in the toy line----"

"Yes, but what good are toys to a baby of four months? Do be
reasonable."

"What was it you suggested? A sideboard and a cigar?"

"That was my idea. It may not be the best possible, but at least it is
better than perfectly useless toys. You can always blow smoke in its
face, or bump its head against the sideboard. _Experto crede_, if you
have the Latin."

Whereupon with great dignity I made my way to the lift.

In the Sideboard Department I said: "I want a sideboard for a little
girl of four months, and please don't call her 'IT.' I nearly had a row
with one of your downstairs staff about that."

"I will try to be careful about that, Sir," he replied. "What sort of a
one?"

"Blue eyes and not much hair, and really rather a sweet smile.... Was
that what you wanted to know?"

"Thank you, Sir. But I meant, what sort of a sideboard?"

I took him confidentially by the arm.

"Look here," I said, "you know how, when one is carrying a baby about,
one bumps its head at all the corners? Well, not too much of that. The
mothers don't really like it, you know. They smile at the time, but....
Well, not too many corners.... Yes, I like that very much. No, I won't
take it with me."

The attendant wrote out the bill.

"Number, Sir?"

"She's the first. That's why I'm so nervous. I've never bought a
sideboard for a child before.

"Your Stores number, I mean, Sir."

"I haven't got one. Is it necessary?"

"Must have a number, Sir."

"Then I'll think of a nice one for you.... Let's see--12345, how does
that strike you?"

"And the name?"

"Oh, I can't tell you that. You must look that up for yourself.
Good-day."

Downstairs I bought some cigars.

"For a little girl of four months," I said, "and she likes them rather
full. Please don't argue with me. All your men chatter so."

"I must," said the attendant. "It's like this. If she is only four
months, she is obviously little. Your observation is therefore
tautological."

"As a matter of fact," I said hotly, "she is rather big for four
months."

"Then it was a lie."

"Look here, you give me those cigars, and don't talk so much. I've
already had words with your Master of the Sideboards and your
Under-Secretary for the Toy Department.... Thank you