their mode of teaching; the attention so many things required
was in my present state a most painful exertion, and I almost made an
inward determination to show mamma that all her endeavours were lost on
me. I would not learn when everything was so changed. Do not throw away
my letter in despair of your friend, dearest Mary; only read to the end,
and perhaps my character may be in some measure redeemed. There was a
weight on my spirits I could not, because I would not, remove. I became
ill-tempered and petulant without cause; before papa and mamma I tried
to restrain it, but did not always succeed. Percy and Herbert both
spoke to me on this unwarrantable change; and I think almost for the
first time in my life I saw Percy seriously angry with me, for I had
even shown my irritation at his interference. I told him I had a right
to act and feel as I pleased. Herbert looked sorry, and desisted in his
reasonings when he found I would not listen. Percy's evident irritation
and the reproaches of my own conscience added not a little to my
uncomfortable feelings, as you may suppose. I looked back to what I had
been at Oakwood, and the contrast of my past and present self really
gave me much cause for misery. It was just before my brothers returned
to college I wrote to you a long, very long letter, in which I gave more
than enough vent to my silly, I should say sinful feelings. Several
hours I had employed in its composition, and to obtain these, neglected
my exercises, etc, for my masters, and caused more than one for several
days to make a formal complaint of my indolence and carelessness to Miss
Harcourt. Her remonstrances, I am ashamed to confess, only had the
effect of increasing my ill-temper. Well; I concluded at length my
epistle to you, which, had you received it, would have been a trial of
patience indeed; for it consisted of ten or twelve closely-written
pages, in which I had so magnified my feelings of discontent and
unhappiness, that any one must have fancied I had not one single
blessing left. I was folding and preparing to seal it, when mamma
entered my room. I must tell you that as yet I had not had one reproof
from her lips, though I am quite sure I deserved it long before; I used
to see her look very grieved at any burst of petulance from me, but she
had never spoken on the subject. I almost trembled when she appeared,
for I knew that morning Miss Harcourt had said she must inform her of
Mons. Deville and Signor