five in the morning. He accordingly gave
serious instructions to the "boots" of his hotel to rap him up at 4.30
A.M., and to show him no mercy. At _six_ o'clock, the tourist was
awakened by a noise like that of a battering-ram at his door, and a
stentorian voice sternly enquiring: "Are you the gentleman that's going
with the early boat?" "Yes, yes, I am," said the tourist, leaping to his
feet. "_Well, she's away_," said the boots. (This is a story that grows
on one.)

A MEAN HOUSE.

Another hotel story: Feeling somewhat thirsty in the middle of his
dinner and not judging that water was sufficiently slockening, a visitor
rang the bell and asked the waiter to bring him a bottle of lager. This
was done. "How much do you charge for this?" enquired the traveller.
"Ninepence," replied the waiter. Anger, consternation, and incredulity
were all depicted, by turns, on the visitor's cheek. "What!" he shouted,
"_ninepence_. Why, I could buy a dozen bottles for half-a-crown. It's
downright robbery to ask ninepence for one bottle. You've made a
mistake." "I've made no mistake," said the waiter; "I was told to ask
ninepence. _But_," (at this point he sidled up to the traveller and
whispered, with terrible accents, in his ear) "_it's a damp mean house
this you're in, and I'm leaving mysel' the morn!_"

ONE OF THE DIRECTOR'S WIVES.

A gentleman who loved tobacco exceedingly well, went into a first-class
smoking compartment, filled his pipe, and settled down, with a newspaper
in front of him, to enjoy the luxury of a long and undisturbed worship
of the weed. He had a journey of fifty miles before him. Just as the
train was moving off, a lady, who was panting and flustered, was pushed
up into the compartment by a porter. It was soon evident that pipes and
tobacco were not congenial to this dame. She began to sniff in a very
haughty fashion, but the smoker, utterly indifferent to her presence,
continued to roll out with deliberate relish his dense tobacco fumes.
Soon she lost all patience, and said with extreme bitterness: "You
there, behind that paper, you have no manners. You have no right to
smoke before a lady. Do you know who I am? _I am one of the directors'
wives, sir._" Down went the journal, and "Oh, indeed," said he, "you are
one of the director's wives, are you? Well, let me tell you this, that
even if you were the director's _only_ wife, I do not intend to
encourage you, by any compliance of mine, in the bad habit of r