oor children. Some time later the reformed Sharpleys
called at Sir Robert's house, and being now honest pedlars, were
liberally patronized._

Captain Murderer

Captain Murderer's mission was matrimony, and the gratification of a
cannibal appetite with tender brides. On his marriage morning he always
caused both sides of the way to church to be planted with curious
flowers; and when his bride said, 'Dear Captain Murderer, I never saw
flowers like these before; what are they called?' he answered, 'They are
called garnish for house-lamb,' and laughed at his ferocious practical
joke in a horrid manner, disquieting the minds of the noble bridal
company with a very sharp show of teeth, then displayed for the first
time. He made love in a coach-and-six, and married in a
coach-and-twelve, and all his horses were milk-white horses with one red
spot on the back, which he caused to be hidden by the harness; for the
spot _would_ come there, though every horse was milk-white when Captain
Murderer bought him. And the spot was young bride's blood. (To this
terrific point I am indebted for my first personal experience of a
shudder and cold beads on the forehead.) When Captain Murderer had made
an end of feasting and revelry, and had dismissed the noble guests, and
was alone with his wife on the day month after their marriage, it was
his whimsical custom to produce a golden rolling-pin and a silver
pie-board. Now, there was this special feature in the Captain's
courtships, that he always asked if the young lady could make pie-crust,
and if she couldn't by nature or education, she was taught. Well, when
the bride saw Captain Murderer produce the golden rolling-pin and silver
pie-board, she remembered this, and turned up her laced-silk sleeves to
make a pie. The Captain brought out a silver pie-dish of immense
capacity, and the Captain brought out flour and butter and eggs and all
things needful, except the inside of the pie. Of materials for the
staple of the pie itself the Captain brought out none. Then said the
lovely bride: 'Dear Captain Murderer, what pie is this to be?' He
replied: 'A meat pie.' Then said the lovely bride: 'Dear Captain
Murderer, I see no meat.' The Captain humorously retorted: 'Look in the
glass.' She looked in the glass, but still she saw no meat, and then the
Captain roared with laughter, and suddenly frowning and drawing his
sword, bade her roll out the crust. So she rolled out the crust,
dropping larg