yesterday I made up my mind to
tear my amulet off my neck, on my way from Fenya's to Perhotin. I hadn't
been able till that moment to bring myself to it. And it was only when I
tore it off that I became a downright thief, a thief and a dishonest man
for the rest of my life. Why? Because, with that I destroyed, too, my
dream of going to Katya and saying, 'I'm a scoundrel, but not a thief!' Do
you understand now? Do you understand?"

"What was it made you decide to do it yesterday?" Nikolay Parfenovitch
interrupted.

"Why? It's absurd to ask. Because I had condemned myself to die at five
o'clock this morning, here, at dawn. I thought it made no difference
whether I died a thief or a man of honor. But I see it's not so, it turns
out that it does make a difference. Believe me, gentlemen, what has
tortured me most during this night has not been the thought that I'd
killed the old servant, and that I was in danger of Siberia just when my
love was being rewarded, and Heaven was open to me again. Oh, that did
torture me, but not in the same way: not so much as the damned
consciousness that I had torn that damned money off my breast at last and
spent it, and had become a downright thief! Oh, gentlemen, I tell you
again, with a bleeding heart, I have learnt a great deal this night. I
have learnt that it's not only impossible to live a scoundrel, but
impossible to die a scoundrel.... No, gentlemen, one must die honest...."

Mitya was pale. His face had a haggard and exhausted look, in spite of his
being intensely excited.

"I am beginning to understand you, Dmitri Fyodorovitch," the prosecutor
said slowly, in a soft and almost compassionate tone. "But all this, if
you'll excuse my saying so, is a matter of nerves, in my opinion ... your
overwrought nerves, that's what it is. And why, for instance, should you
not have saved yourself such misery for almost a month, by going and
returning that fifteen hundred to the lady who had entrusted it to you?
And why could you not have explained things to her, and in view of your
position, which you describe as being so awful, why could you not have had
recourse to the plan which would so naturally have occurred to one's mind,
that is, after honorably confessing your errors to her, why could you not
have asked her to lend you the sum needed for your expenses, which, with
her generous heart, she would certainly not have refused you in your
distress, especially if it had been with some guaran