tete-a-tete.

Scaphio: (breathlessly) No, no. You come very appropriately. To
be
brief, we--we love you--this man and
I--madly--passionately!

Zara: Sir!

Scaphio: And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is to
marry you.

Fitz.: Zara, this is very awkward.

Scaphio: (very much overcome) I--I am paralyzed by the singular
radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am
incoherent. I never was like this before--it shall not
occur again. I--shall be fluent, presently.

Zara: (aside) Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be
done?

Fitz.: (aside) Leave it to me--I'll manage it. (Aloud) It's
a
common situation. Why not settle it in the English
fashion?

Both: The English fashion? What is that?

Fitz.: It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are in
love with the same lady, and until it is settled which
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is
provided, by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation
Act,
that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of
Household
Cavalry as stakeholder, who is bound to hand her over to
the
survivor (on the Tontine principle) in a good condition
of
substantial and decorative repair.

Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?

Fitz.: Exactly.

Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable. (To Scaphio) What do
you
say--Shall we entrust her to this officer of Household
Cavalry? It will give us time.

Scaphio: (trembling violently) I--I am not at present in a
condition
to think it out coolly--but if he is an officer of
Household
Cavalry, and if the Princess consents---

Zara: Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative--under the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act!

Fitz.: Good--then that's settled.

QUARTET
Fitzbattleaxe, Zara, Scaphio, and Phantis.

Fitz.: It's understood, I think, all round
That, by the English custom bound
I hold the lady safe and sound
In trust for either rival,
Until you clearly testify
By sword and pist