than that before long," I replied, with a
miserable effort at mystery.

"You don't say!" cried he, ironically, and went out with an air of hard
indifference, not at all flattering to my self-love.

How poor and undesirable the house, the farm, the whole world, looked to
me that morning. I plodded about, assisting to do the early chores; I
really had no appetite for my breakfast, and stole away from the table
after a few moments. Gram called after me, to know if I were unwell; I
did not dare trust myself to reply, lest I should burst forth weeping,
and hastening out to the Balm o' Gilead trees, stood looking down the
lane a moment, with a dreadful tumult of repressed misery raging within
me. My mental malady had reached a crisis; I was wild with anguish. It
appeared to me that I never could endure it. One thought only kept its
place in my mind--the Little Sea! I stole away down the lane, crossed
the road, then went on through the east field and pasture, till I
reached the brook.

Not that I now believe there was much likelihood of my drowning myself.
Even if I had been wretched enough to jump in, the first spoonful of
cold water in my nose would probably have sent me scrambling out, as
would have been the case with hundreds who have really drowned
themselves, if only they had not jumped into too deep water. But I
wanted to do something or other very desperate, what, I hardly knew
myself. As I ran, I debated whether I should take off my clothes, or
drown with them on; I did not remember reading how suicides of
hydropathic tendencies had managed that detail. The boys would find my
body Sunday morning when they came down to bathe, I thought. Yet some
one else might find me; and it seemed more decent and proper to drown
with them on. I walked around the Little Sea and singled out the deepest
place in it, where there was four or five feet of water. It looked to be
fully sufficient.

There was now nothing to prevent my going ahead with my project; but
since I had looked into the water and saw how aqueous it appeared,
considered as a place to spend from that morning on till Sunday in,
haste did not seem altogether so desirable, and I was not in nearly so
great a hurry. I sat down on a stone to think it over once more. It
would be unbecoming, I recollected, to take such a step without mental
preparation.

Still, I actually did half believe that when I rose from that stone, I
should plunge into the pond. I imagine that I sa