nows but little about you, and, by this means,
borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small bamboo, or
very large cudgel; extremes are very indispensable for a good dash.

"It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regard
to that old superstitious ceremony of what is commonly called '_going to
church'_--or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the week.
To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must be
very fatiguing to a person of genteel habits--besides it would be
countenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious and
devout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but should
a gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover,
according to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, I
need not mention the absurdity of decent behaviour.

'What go to meeting, say?--why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is a
custom old as Homer too! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with this
dispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense.'

~237~~"Melodious, indeed, are the voices of ladies and gentlemen
whispering across the pews, politely inquiring after each other's
health--the hour at which they got home from their Saturday evening's
party--what gallants attended them; and what lasses they saw safe home.
How engaging the polite posture of looking on the person next you, or
in sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing loud bass through the
nose! But to have proceeded methodically in enumerating the improvements
in manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned some of the important
advantages of staying from church until the service is half finished.
Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing service, you might
be supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as nine or ten
o'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel--and if
seated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed; but,
by thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you are
pretty sure to command the attention of the audience, and obtain the
honour of being thought by some, to have been engaged in some genteel
affair the night before! Besides, it is well known that it is only the
vulgar that attend church in proper time.

"When you parade the streets, take off your hat to every gentleman's
carriage that passes; you may do the same to any pretty woman--for
if she is well bred, (you bein