NOEL COWARD _Author of "My American Diary_"]

TERRIBLY INTIMATE PORTRAITS

I

"MY AMERICAN DIARY"

_SATURDAY_

I felt that some sort of scene was necessary in order to celebrate my
first entrance into America, so I said "Little lamb, who made thee?" to
a customs official. A fracas ensued far exceeding my wildest dreams,
during which he delved down--with malice aforethought--to the bottom of
my trunk and discovered the oddest things in my sponge bag. I think I'm
going to like America.

I have very good letters to Daniel Blood, Dolores Hoofer, Senator
Pinchbeck, Violet Curzon-Meyer, and Julia Pescod, so I ought to get
along all right socially at any rate.

It would be quite impossible to give an adequate description of one's
first glimpse of Broadway at night--I should like to have a little
pocket memory of it to take out and look at whenever I feel depressed. I
shall feel awfully offended for Piccadilly Circus when I get back.

God! How I love frosted chocolate!

_WEDNESDAY_

For a really jolly evening, recommend me to the Times Square subway
station. You get into any train with that delicious sensation of
breathless uncertainty as to where exactly you are going to be conveyed.
To approach an official is sheer folly, as any tentative question is
quickly calculated to work him up into a frenzy of rage and violence,
while to ask your fellow passengers is equally useless as they are
generally as dazed as you are. The great thing is to keep calm and at
all costs avoid expresses.

As another means of locomotion the Elevated possesses a rugged charm
which is all its own, the serene pleasure of gazing into frowsy bedroom
windows at elderly coloured ladies in bust bodices and flannel
petticoats, being only equalled by the sudden thrill you experience when
the two front carriages hurtle down into the street in flames.

I took three of my plays to Fred Latham at the Globe Theatre. He didn't
accept them for immediate production, but he told me of two delightful
bus rides, one going up Riverside Drive, and the other coming down
Riverside Drive. I was very grateful as the busses, though slow moving,
are more or less tranquil and filled with the wittiest
advertisements--especially the little notices about official civility,
which made everyone rock with laughter.

_FRIDAY_

Met Alexander Woollcott and Heywood Broun at a first night--we were
roguish together for hours--Alexander Woollcott says that