M. D.
Illustrious title! in a gilded frame
He set the sheepskin with his Latin name,
RIPUM VAN WINKLUM, QUEM we--SCIMUS--know
IDONEUM ESSE--to do so and so.
He hired an office; soon its walls displayed
His new diploma and his stock in trade,
A mighty arsenal to subdue disease,
Of various names, whereof I mention these
Lancets and bougies, great and little squirt,
Rhubarb and Senna, Snakeroot, Thoroughwort,
Ant. Tart., Vin. Colch., Pil. Cochiae, and Black Drop,
Tinctures of Opium, Gentian, Henbane, Hop,
Pulv. Ipecacuanhae, which for lack
Of breath to utter men call Ipecac,
Camphor and Kino, Turpentine, Tolu,
Cubebs, "Copeevy," Vitriol,--white and blue,--
Fennel and Flaxseed, Slippery Elm and Squill,
And roots of Sassafras, and "Sassaf'rill,"
Brandy,--for colics,--Pinkroot, death on worms,--
Valerian, calmer of hysteric squirms,
Musk, Assafoetida, the resinous gum
Named from its odor,--well, it does smell some,--
Jalap, that works not wisely, but too well,
Ten pounds of Bark and six of Calomel.

For outward griefs he had an ample store,
Some twenty jars and gallipots, or more:
_Ceratum simplex_--housewives oft compile
The same at home, and call it "wax and ile;"
_Unguentum resinosum_--change its name,
The "drawing salve" of many an ancient dame;
_Argenti Nitras_, also Spanish flies,
Whose virtue makes the water-bladders rise--
(Some say that spread upon a toper's skin
They draw no water, only rum or gin);
Leeches, sweet vermin! don't they charm the sick?
And Sticking-plaster--how it hates to stick
_Emplastrum Ferri_--ditto _Picis_, Pitch;
Washes and Powders, Brimstone for the--which,
_Scabies_ or _Psora_, is thy chosen name
Since Hahnemann's goose-quill scratched thee into fame,
Proved thee the source of every nameless ill,
Whose sole specific is a moonshine pill,
Till saucy Science, with a quiet grin,
Held up the Acarus, crawling on a pin?
--Mountains have labored and have brought forth mice
The Dutchman's theory hatched a brood of--twice
I've well-nigh said them--words unfitting quite
For these fair precincts and for ears polite.

The surest foot may chance at last to slip,
And so at length it proved with Doctor Rip.
One full-sized bottle stood upon the shelf,
Which held the medicine that he took himself;
Whate'er the reason, it must be confessed
He filled that bottle oftener than the rest;
What drug it held I don't presume to know--
The gilded label said "Elixir Pro."

One day the Doctor found t