I soon found myself much less
affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute
ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to
languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I
looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive
and only to be terminated by death.

This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but
delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had
been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon,
convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task
of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor
Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to
flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor.
I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the
use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health,
as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no
excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly
M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether
it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of
life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the
apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for
improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge
for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I
could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose
name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as
the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was
approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I
should have the happiness to return there.

I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture
with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible!
The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into
paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon
and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the
nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular,
that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the
country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often
said to those about me