Fashionable Novel

[_Scene.--Chambers in Lincoln's Inn. Arthur Ansard at a briefless table,
tete-a-tete with his wig on a block. A. casts a disconsolate look upon
his companion, and soliloquises._]

Yes, there you stand, "partner of my toils, my feelings, and my fame."
We do not _suit_, for we never gained a _suit_ together. Well, what with
reporting for the bar, writing for the Annuals and the Pocket-books, I
shall be able to meet all demands, except those of my tailor; and, as
his bill is most characteristically long, I think I shall be able to
make it stretch over till next term, by which time I hope to fulfil my
engagements with Mr C., who has given me an order for a fashionable
novel, written by a "nobleman." But how I, who was never inside of an
aristocratical mansion in my life, whose whole idea of Court is
comprised in the Court of King's Bench, am to complete my engagement, I
know no more than my companion opposite, who looks so placidly stupid
under my venerable wig. As far as the street door, the footman and
carriage, and the porter, are concerned, I can manage well enough; but
as to what occurs within doors, I am quite abroad. I shall never get
through the first chapter; yet that tailor's bill must be paid.
(_Knocking outside._) Come in, I pray.

_Enter Barnstaple._

_B._ Merry Christmas to you, Arthur.

_A._ Sit down, my dear fellow; but don't mock me with merry Christmas.
He emigrated long ago. Answer me seriously: do you think it possible
for a man to describe what he never saw?

_B._ (_putting his stick up to his chin._) Why, 'tis possible; but I
would not answer for the description being quite correct.

_A._ But suppose the parties who read it have never seen the thing
described?

_B._ Why then it won't signify whether the description be correct or
not.

_A._ You have taken a load off my mind; but still I am not quite at
ease. I have engaged to furnish C. with a fashionable novel.

_B._ What do you mean to imply by a fashionable novel?

_A._ I really can hardly tell. His stipulations were, that it was to be
a "fashionable novel in three volumes, each volume not less than three
hundred pages."

_B._ That is to say, that you are to assist him in imposing on the
public.

_A._ Something very like it, I'm afraid; as it is further agreed that it
is to be puffed as coming from a highly talented nobleman.

_B._ You should not do it, Ansard.

_A._ So conscience tells me, but my tailor's bi