ong to you who
owe apologies for a big one, and pave the way to peace with my own
broken will, than the leopard can change his spots."

"And yet--_if I could_!"

It broke from me almost like a cry, "If my besetting sin _is_ a sin,
if I have given way to it under provocation--if this moment is the
very hardest of the battle, and the day is almost lost--and if now,
even now, I could turn round and tread down this Satan under my feet.
If this were to-morrow morning, and I had done it--O my soul, what
triumph, what satisfaction in past prayers, what hope for the future!

"Then thou shouldest believe the old legends of sinners numbered with
the saints, of tyrants taught to be gentle, of the unholy learning to be
pure--for one believes with heartiness what he has experienced--then
text and picture and cross should hang on, in spite of frailty, and in
this sign shalt thou conquer."

One ought to be very thankful for the blessings of good health and
strong nerves, but I sometimes wish I could cry more easily. I should
not like to be like poor Mrs. Rampant, whose head or back is always
aching, and whose nerves make me think of the strings of an AEolian
harp, on which Mr. Rampant, like rude Boreas, is perpetually playing
with the tones of his voice, the creak of his boots, and the bang of
his doors. But her tears do relieve, if they exhaust her, and
back-ache cannot be as bad as heart-ache--hot, dry heart-ache, or
cold, hard heart-ache. I think if I could have cried I could have felt
softer. As it was I began to wish that I could do what I felt sure
that I could not.

If I dragged myself to Philip, and got out a few conciliatory words, I
should break down in a worse fury than before if he sneered or rode
the high horse, "as he probably would," thought I.

On my little carved Prayer-book shelf lay with other volumes a copy of
A Kempis, which had belonged to my mother. Honesty had already
whispered that if I deliberately gave up the fight with evil this
must be banished with my texts and pictures. At the present moment a
familiar passage came into my head:

"When one that was in great anxiety of mind, often wavering
between fear and hope, did once humbly prostrate himself in
prayer, and said, 'O if I knew that I should persevere!' he
presently heard within him an answer from GOD, which said,
'If thou didst know it, what would'st thou do? Do what thou
would'st do then, and thou shalt be safe.'"

Su