Why should I shrink before my fellows for anything I
had done? Lie to them to conceal myself or my acts? Nay, I would not
have faults to be concealed. My own character, my own life, was more to
me than the esteem of others. I would do nothing fit to have hidden, or
which I might wish to hide. I thought I could not lie, and I could not
for myself.

"During my second college year there was a great deal of card-playing
among the students. The Faculty tried to prevent it, but found it
difficult. Though I never played, my chum did, and sometimes others
played with him in our room when I was present. I not unfrequently saw
the students at cards. One of the professors questioned me upon the
subject.

"'Have you ever seen any card-playing among the students?'

"'No, sir,' I answered firmly, determined not to expose my fellows. 'A
lie of honour!' I said to myself. What coupling of contradictions! As
well talk of 'honest theft!' 'innocent sin!'

"'You are ignorant of any card-playing in the college building, Brown?'

"'Yes, sir,'

"'We can believe _you_, Brown.'

"I was ready to sink. Nothing else could have smitten, stung me, like
that. Such confidence, and I so unworthy of it. Still I held back the
truth.

"But I left the professor's room another person than I entered
it--guilty, humbled, wretched. That one false word had spoiled
everything for me. All my past manliness was shadowed by it. My ease of
mind had left me, my self-respect was gone. I felt uncertain, unsafe. I
stood upon a lie, trembling, tottering. How soon might I not fail? I
was right in feeling unsafe. It is always unsafe to lie. My feet were
sliding beneath me. One of the students had lost a quarter's allowance
in play, and applied to his father for a fresh remittance, stating his
loss. His father had made complaint to the college Faculty, and there
was an investigation of the facts. The money had been staked and lost in
my room. I was present.

"'Was Brown there?' asked the professor.

"'He was.'

"The professor's eyes rested on me. Where was my honour _then_--my
manliness? and where the trust reposed in me? Did any say, 'We can
believe _you_, Brown,' after that? Did any excuse my lie--any talk of my
honour then? Not one. They said, 'We didn't think it of you, Brown!' 'I
didn't suppose Brown would lie for his right hand!'

"It was enough to kill me. But there was no help. I had to bear my sin
and shame as best I might, and try to outlive it. No