y declined._) Well, then, go outside quiet,
d'jear me? or else you'll do it upside down, like ole JOHN BROWN, in
'arf a sec., I can tell yer!

[_The Malcontent departs meekly, and reserves any further
observations until he is out of hearing._

_Melia_ (_to JOE_). Lor, I wish now I'd been there to see ye; I do
'ope ye weren't too _rough_ with 'un, though, JOE. What shall we do
next?--'ave a turn on the swings, or the swishback circus, or the
giddy-go-round--or what? (JOE _shakes his head._) _Why_ won't ye, JOE?

_Joe_ (_driven to candour_). Why?--'cause it 'ud be throwin' away
money, seein' I've got 'em all goin' on inside o' me at once as 'tis,
if ye _want_ to know! I feel a deal more like settin' down quiet a
bit, I do, if I cud find a place.

_Melia_ (_with an inspiration_). Then let's go and 'ave our likenesses
took!

[_She cannot understand why JOE should be so needlessly
incensed at so innocent and opportune a suggestion._

* * * * *

THE "BEST EVIDENCE"--HOW NOT TO GET IT.

Have been summoned to attend as a Witness in the trial of the six
roughs who first drugged and then savagely ill-treated a foolishly
convivial citizen in Whitechapel. Don't know if it was wise of me
to tell the Police that I could identify the men. Since my evidence
before the Magistrate came out, I have had thirty-seven threatening
letters, my front windows have been broken several times over, and a
valuable dog poisoned. Still, evidently a patriotic duty to "assist
the course of Justice;" and no doubt I shall be compensated.

So this is the "Central Criminal Court," is it? Should hardly have
believed it possible. Outside mean and dirty.

Interior, meaner and much dirtier. Speak to Usher. Usher most
polite. Glad, that at any rate, they _do_ know how to treat important
Witnesses. Am assured I shall have a seat "close to the Judge."
Produce my witness-summons. Demeanour of Usher suddenly changes. I
shall have to go to the "Witnesses' Waiting-room in the old Court."
Where's that? _He_ doesn't know. I'd better ask a Policeman. It now
flashes across me that Usher mistook me for a wealthy, and probably
generous spectator, and thought when I was fumbling in my pocket for
my summons, I was looking for half-a-crown for _him_! Depressing.

Policeman leaves me in a dark, draughty passage, with a bench on each
side. "But where is the waiting-room?" I ask an attendant. "_This_ is
the waiting-room