tensely interested in his scheme: the small,
neat Belgian refugette likely to prove at least a ministering mouse if
not a ministering angel: above all, hope if not certainty that Jim will
one day return--not only in spirit but in body--to his chateau and his
family. If I am needed anywhere on earth, it isn't here, but down in the
south at my poor Hopital des Epidemies. Would it be cowardly in me to
fly, as soon as I've persuaded the Becketts to spare me, and throw the
responsibility I haven't dared decide to take, upon my brave, blind
Brian?

Ah, I don't mean telling him about myself and my sins. I shouldn't have
the courage for that, I fear! I mean, shall I tell him about Doctor
Paul's message--or _supposed_ message? It has just occurred to me that I
might do this, and let Brian decide whether Father Beckett ought to
know, even if no further news comes through Switzerland. You see, if I
were gone, and Jim came, I could trust the new Dierdre to do her best
for me with Brian. He could never respect me, never love me in the old
way--but he might forgive, because of Dierdre herself--and because of
the great Plan. Hasn't my wickedness given them both to him?

Writing all this to you has done me good, Padre. I see more clearly
ahead. I shall decide before morning what to do. I feel I _shall_ this
time! And I think it a good idea to speak to Brian. He will agree,
though he doesn't know my secret need to escape, that it's right for me
to take up hospital work again. But, Padre, I can't go--I _won't_
go--until I've helped Mother Beckett arrange Jim's treasures in the room
to be called his "den." She has been living for that, striving to grow
strong enough for that. And I--oh, Padre!--I want to be the one to
unpack his things and to touch each one with my hands. I want to leave
something of myself in that room where, if he's dead, his spirit will
surely come: where, if he lives, his body will come. If I leave behind
me thoughts of love, won't they linger between those walls like the
scent of roses in a vase? Mayn't those thoughts influence Jim Beckett
not to detest me as I deserve?

CHAPTER XXXI

Five days later.

I did talk to Brian, Padre, and he said, better wait and give the letter
from Switzerland a fair chance to arrive, before telling Father Beckett
about Doctor Paul's messenger at Amiens.

Now I have had a letter, but not from Switzerland. I shall fold it up
between the pages of this book of my confessions