CHAPTER V

I AM FORBIDDEN TO FORGET

It must be allowed that by no possible union of unlucky chances could I,
desiring to appear as a staid, sober gentleman, and not as a ruffler or
debauched gallant, have had a worse introduction to my new life. To
start with a duel would have hurt me little, but a duel on such a cause
and on behalf of such a lady (for I should seem to be fighting the
battle of one whose name was past defending) would make my reputation
ridiculous to the gay, and offensive to all the more decent people of
the town. I thought enough on this sad side of the matter that night at
the inn, and despair would have made a prey of me had I not hoped to
clear myself in some degree by the step on which I had determined. For I
was resolved to abandon the aid in my career that the King's unexpected
favour had offered, and start afresh for myself, free from the illicit
advantage of a place gained undeservedly. Yet, amid my chagrin, and in
spite of my virtuous intentions, I found myself wondering that Cydaria
had remembered; I will not protest that I found no pleasure in the
thought; a young man whose pride was not touched by it would have
reached a higher summit of severity or a lower depth of insensibility
than was mine. Yet here also I made vows of renunciation, concerning
which there is nought to say but that, while very noble, they were in
all likelihood most uncalled for. What would or could Cydaria be to me
now? She flew at bigger game. She had flung me a kindly crumb of
remembrance; she would think that we were well quit; nay, that I was
overpaid for my bruised heart and dissipated illusion.

It was a fine fresh morning when Mr Darrell and I set out for the place
of meeting, he carrying a pair of swords. Mr Jermyn had agreed to
support my opponent; and I was glad to learn that the meeting was to be
restricted to the principals, and not, as too often occurred, to embroil
the seconds also in a senseless quarrel. We walked briskly; and crossing
the Oxford Road at Holborn, struck into the fields beyond Montague
House. We were first at the rendezvous, but had not to wait long before
three chairs appeared, containing Lord Carford, his second, and a
surgeon. The chairmen, having set down their burdens, withdrew some way
off, and we, being left to ourselves, made our preparations as quickly
as we could; Darrell, especially, urging speed; for it seemed that a
rumour of the affair had got about the town, and he