h of more than half a pound,
Then in the leading papers of the hub
Full space for that achievement will be found,
And clearest type and unaffected rapture
Will signalize the epoch-making capture!

The moral of the episode is plain:
If soldiers wish to petrify the nation,
Let them--when leave permits--no more disdain
To join a Roach or Perch Association,
Cull giant gooseberries, and strive to gain
Prizes for Blind-fold Pig Delineation.
Thus only--not by cross or golden stripe--
Will they achieve the honour of big type.

* * * * *

[Illustration: REPRISALS.

_Competitor (in international contest)._ "THE BLIGHTER'S BIT ME."

_Referee._ "WELL, AIN'T YER GOT NO TEETH OF YER OWN? BOX ON."]

* * * * *

SHAKSPEARE AND THE WAR.

[Since the entry of the United States all the English-speaking peoples
are in alliance for freedom.]

I think our SHAKSPEARE, gone this many a year
To some rich haven where the poets throng
And Ruler of Ten Cities wrought in song
And spired with rhythmic music, high and clear,
Still finds his England something close and dear,
Rejoicing when her justice baffles wrong
And willing her to wrestle and be strong.
I think he bides by England and is near.

And, in the purpose of his Overlord,
His weaving spirit, still in cloudless youth
With minstrelsy made perfect, throws a cord
That rings the continents in its magic reach
To gather all who share his English speech
In one firm warrior bond of troth and truth.

* * * * *

"LET LAWS AND LEARNING..."

"I should add that Viscount Harberton sees a chance for his own
order in the circumstance that, while the poor man's child is
driven to school by the inspector, the rich man can 'boot the
spy out,' and so confer on his children the priceless boon of
complete illiteracy. Shall we live to see a House of Lords that
makes its mark?"--_Observer._

Some of them, we believe, are under the impression that they have done
so already.

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)

Unless you can share with me the sad immunity of the forties, I must
despair of translating for you the emotion raised in my antique soul by
the wrapper of a new RIDER HAGGARD story bearing the picture of a Zulu
and the d