ace till two full years after the
resignation of my living in September 1843; nor could I have made it
at an earlier date, without doubt and apprehension; that is, with any
true conviction of mind or certitude.

In the interval, of which it remains to speak--viz., between the
autumns of 1843 and 1845--I was in lay communion with the Church of
England: attending its services as usual, and abstaining altogether
from intercourse with Catholics, from their places of worship, and
from those religious rites and usages, such as the Invocation of
Saints, which are characteristics of their creed. I did all this on
principle; for I never could understand how a man could be of two
religions at once.

What I have to say about myself between these two autumns I shall
almost confine to this one point--the difficulty I was in as to the
best mode of revealing the state of my mind to my friends and others,
and how I managed to reveal it.

Up to January, 1842, I had not disclosed my state of unsettlement to
more than three persons.... To two of them, intimate and familiar
companions, in the autumn of 1839; to the third--an old friend too,
whom I have also named above--I suppose when I was in great distress
of mind upon the affair of the Jerusalem Bishopric. In May, 1843, I
made it known, as has been seen, to the friend by whose advice I
wished, as far as possible, to be guided. To mention it on set purpose
to any one, unless indeed I was asking advice, I should have felt to
be a crime. If there is anything that was abhorrent to me, it was the
scattering doubts, and unsettling consciences without necessity. A
strong presentiment that my existing opinions would ultimately give
way, and that the grounds of them were unsound, was not a sufficient
warrant for disclosing the state of my mind. I had no guarantee yet,
that that presentiment would be realized. Supposing I were crossing
ice, which came right in my way, which I had good reasons for
considering sound, and which I saw numbers before me crossing in
safety, and supposing a stranger from the bank, in a voice of
authority and in an earnest tone, warned me that it was dangerous,
and then was silent--I think I should be startled, and should look
about me anxiously, but I think too that I should go on, till I had
better grounds for doubt; and such was my state, I believe, till the
end of 1842. Then again, when my dissatisfaction became greater, it
was hard at first to determine the poin