he year, and I said, "I can not be
wrong in making them; let that follow which must follow in the
thoughts of the world about me, when they see what I do." And as time
went on, they fully answered my purpose. What I felt it a simple duty
to do, did create a general suspicion about me, without such
responsibility as would be involved in my initiating any direct act
for the sake of creating it. Then, when friends wrote me on the
subject, I either did not deny or I confest my state of mind,
according to the character and need of their letters. Sometimes in the
case of intimate friends, whom I should otherwise have been leaving
in ignorance of what others knew on every side of them, I invited the
question.

And here comes in another point for explanation. While I was fighting
in Oxford for the Anglican Church, then indeed I was very glad to make
converts; and tho I never broke away from that rule of my mind (as I
may call it) of which I have already spoken, of finding disciples
rather than seeking them, yet that I made advances to others in a
special way, I have no doubt; this came to an end, however, as soon as
I fell into misgivings as to the true ground to be taken in the
controversy. For then, when I gave up my place in the movement, I
ceased from any such proceedings; and my utmost endeavor was to
tranquillize such persons, especially those who belonged to the new
school, as were unsettled in their religious views, and as I judged,
hasty in their conclusions. This went on till 1843; but at that date,
as soon as I turned my face Romeward, I gave up, as far as ever was
possible, the thought of, in any respect and in any shape, acting upon
others. Then I myself was simply my own concern. How could I in any
sense direct others, who had to be guided in so momentous a matter
myself? How could I be considered in a position, even to say a word to
them, one way or the other? How could I presume to unsettle them as I
was unsettled, when I had no means of bringing them out of such
unsettlement? And if they were unsettled already, how could I point to
them a place of refuge, when I was not sure that I should choose it
for myself? My only line, my only duty, was to keep simply to my own
case. I recollected Pascal's words, "Je mourrai seul" [I will die
alone]. I deliberately put out of my thoughts all other works and
claims, and said nothing to any one, unless I was obliged.

But this brought upon me a great trouble. In the newspa