onies of hunger
and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond
reach.

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=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same
result--besides costing you the fifty.=

* * * * *

TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and
saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.

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=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing
and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=

* * * * *

VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with him.

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=But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.=

_Legal and Local Holidays in the United States._

=JANUARY 1, New Year's Day.= On this day the Flowing Bowl is
filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three
States and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New
Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory
there is no celebration. The natives are too busy collecting good
resolutions and bad bills.

* * * * *

=FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.= (George, not Booker), is
remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public
schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and
Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt.
Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's
"Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with
the "Washington Post March," and the scholars all eat Washington
Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."

* * * * *

=MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day=, when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from
Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and
put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--the
green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same
place.

* * * * *

=APRIL 19, Patriot's Day.= A New England successor to FAST DAY--the
slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer.
Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a
Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at
his Tub.

Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose,
Make the