gment against me, and had on each separate end a
speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my
cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased
some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that
butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that
butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that
butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came
in here in despair; who should