cornfields I am reminded that we still plough the land and plant and
cultivate the fields in order to grow crops." We would remind the
Senator that, with the Elections drawing daily nearer, the habit of
making such sweeping and unguarded statements as the above is extremely
dangerous.

* * *

We advise all readers to stick to their own particular newspaper, as a
sudden change might upset the "net sales" which are being so carefully
compiled at the present moment.

* * *

The up-to-date song-writer, says a musical journal, must strike a sad
and soulful note this season. We are already engaged in writing "The
Scotsman's Farewell to his Corkscrew."

* * *

A theatrical writer informs us that _The Laughing Husband_ will be
revived this year. Not in our suburb, unless the cost of living drops
considerably.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Betty._ "Grandma, I Know My Twelve Times."

_Grandma._ "Do You, Dear? Well, What Are Twelve Times Thirteen?"

_Betty._ "Don't Be Silly, Grandma. There Isn't Such A Thing."]

* * * * *

"The modern Hydra, embracing innumerable adverse factors, would
appear at least as many headed as the ancient, for as fast as one is
more or less effectively decapitated up comes another to upset the
applecart."

_Financial Paper._

Classical students will, of course, remember how cleverly Hercules made
use of this habit of the Hydra to secure the apples of the Hesperides.

* * * * *

THE DINING GLADIATOR;

OR, WAR TO THE KNIFE (AND FORK).

(_Being further Extracts from a certain Diary._)

II.

WROTE an even better article than ever, on indigestion as a determining
factor in national _moral_. Pointed out how important it is, if we are
to think coolly, that we should eat discreetly. Sufficiently, of course,
but with thought.

At the Tribunal all the afternoon, busily combing out.

To the Hippodrome in the evening. A most diverting show.

* * *

NORTHCLIFFE is becoming impossible and I must find another paper.
Several of my best commas cut out of to-day's article. All reference to
the necessity for immediately beheading ASQUITH omitted yesterday. Was
comforted by lunch at the Carlton with DORIS KEANE, GERTIE MILLAR and
SCATTERS. We had some good jokes.

* * *

The news of my resignation from _The Times_ has set my telephone ringing
all the morning with congratulations,