n who hid three and a
half pounds of stolen margarine in his horse's nose-bag has just been
fined five pounds.

***

"Dogs," says the Acton magistrate, "are not allowed to bite people
they dislike." All the same there have been times when we have felt
that it would have been an act of supererogation to explain to the
postman that our dog was really attached to him.

***

A taxi-cab driver has been fined two pounds for using abusive
language to a policeman. Only his explanation, that he thought he was
addressing a fare, saved him from a heavier penalty.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Doctor_. "YOUR THROAT IS IN A VERY BAD STATE. HAVE
YOU EVER TRIED GARGLING WITH SALT WATER?"

_Skipper_. "YUS, I'VE BEEN TORPEDOED SIX TIMES."]

* * * * *

A WAR BARGAIN.

"BRIGHTON.--A small General for Sale through old age. No
reasonable offer refused."--_West Sussex Gazette_.

* * * * *

"An enormous burden of detail is thus taken off the shareholders
of the Munitions Minister."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.

This will strengthen the belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is not a man but a
syndicate.

* * * * *

"From that successful German campaign sprang the United Terrific
Peoples--the Modern German Empire."--_Nigerian Pioneer_.

The author wrote "Teutonic Peoples," but the native compositor thought
he knew better--and perhaps he did.

* * * * *

ONE STAR.

Occasionally I receive letters from friends whom I have not seen
lately addressed to Lieutenant M---- and apologising prettily inside
in case I am by now a colonel; in drawing-rooms I am sometimes called
"Captain-er"; and up at the Fort the other day a sentry of the Royal
Defence Corps, wearing the Crecy medal, mistook me for a Major,
and presented crossbows to me. This is all wrong. As Mr. GARVIN
well points out, it is important that we should not have a false
perspective of the War. Let me, then, make it perfectly plain--I am a
Second Lieutenant.

When I first became a Second Lieutenant I was rather proud. I was a
Second Lieutenant "on probation." On my right sleeve I wore a single
star. So:

*
(on probation, of course).

On my left sleeve I wore another star. So:

*
(also on probation).

They were good stars, none better in the service; and as we didn't
like th