President, all male relatives
that are old enough to talk, should have their mouths sewed up, and be
compelled to put on gloves that are fastened with a time lock, so they
couldn't get their hands into anything that would bring disgrace on
the chief magistrate. Now, if you boys want me for President, with this
understanding, that you shall all keep away from me after the 4th of
March, and never let anybody know that you ever heard of me, and that
you will never write me even a postal card, why, you can go ahead
with your boom," and the old man tied his necktie so it looked like a
scrambled egg, and he and the boy went in to breakfast, the boy opening
the outside door and whistling a weird whistle, which brought three boys
up on the porch, when he said to them:

"By the way, that presidential boom for Uncle Ike is off. Don't let the
gang do another thing. He is a lobster," and the boys went out into the
world looking for another candidate, followed by a dog that jumped up
and down in front of them as though he could lead them to a presidential
candidate or a wood-chuck hole mighty quick.

"Speaking of dogs," said Uncle Ike, as he and the boy sat down to
breakfast, and the other boys went out on the street to wait for the
red-headed boy to finish eating, "where you boys going?"

"Just going to follow the dog," said the warm-haired proposition, as he
kicked because the melon was not ripe. "Did you ever drown out a gopher,
Uncle Ike?"

"Bet your life," said Uncle Ike, as he dished out enough food for the
boy to have fed an orphan asylum. "Oh, I had a dog once that knew more
than an alderman. Do you know, boy, that a dog is the best thing a boy
can associate with? A boy never does anything very mean, if he has a dog
that loves him. Many a time I have been just about ready to do a mean
trick, when the dog would sit down in front of me, and look up into my
eyes in an appealing way, and raise up one ear at a time and drop it,
and raise the other, and he would jump up on me and lick my hand, and
seem to say, 'Don't,' and, by gosh! I didn't. Say, if a mean boy has a
dog that loves him, the dog is better than he is, and the boy is careful
about doing mean things, for fear he will shame the dog. I don't suppose
a dog will get to heaven, but, if his master goes to heaven, the dog is
mighty likely to lay down on the outside of the pearly gates, and just
starve to death, waiting to hear the familiar whistle of his master,
who is e