ted myself so entirely to the princess. The idea of her death was
terrible to me, for, notwithstanding all the arguments of the prince
royal and of the Princes Lubomirski, I feel myself very culpable in
having withheld my confidence from her; if she suspects the truth, she
has every reason to accuse me of perfidy.... There is in this world but
one inconsolable evil, and that is the torture of a bad
conscience--remorse....

I hoped one day to be able to repair my wrongs toward the princess, to
fall at her feet and confess my fault, but when I saw her in danger, I
felt as if hell itself were menacing me, and as if I must be forever
crushed under the weight of an eternal remorse.... Another thought too
has distressed me to the very bottom of my soul! My parents are advanced
in years; if I should lose them before I have confessed my secret to
them! It is written above that I am to know every sorrow! Heaven has
cruelly tried me, but to-day a ray of pity seems to have fallen upon my
miserable fate. The princess is steadily improving, and I have received
good news from Maleszow; I breathe again.

Were the king to give his consent to our marriage, I could not be
happier than I was on hearing from the physician's own mouth that the
princess was out of danger.... I will then be able to open my heart to
her! Ah! my God! if this painful dissimulation weighs so heavily upon
me, what must be the state of the prince royal, who is deceiving his
father, his king, and offending him by a misplaced affection!

Why did not these reflections present themselves to me before? Why did I
not show him the abyss into which we were about to fall?... My happiness
then blinded me, and now I can fancy no condition which I would not
prefer to my own.... I feel humiliated by my imprudence. Did I not, with
the whole strength of my wishes and desires draw upon me this very love
so dear to my heart and so fatal to my repose? My pride has lost me; and
that pride is an implacable enemy, which I have no longer strength to
subdue. Oh! I must indeed blame our little Matthias! It was he who first
awoke such ambitious dreams within my soul.

Happy Barbara! If I only, like her, loved a man of rank equal to my own!
But no, I am not of good faith with myself: the prince royal's position
dazzled me. Ah! how merciful is heaven to cover our innermost thoughts
with an impenetrable veil! Alas! God pardons the defects in our frail
humanity sooner than we ourselves can!