one of you imagine for a holy minute that he knows the
difference between a football game and ushering in a church? Don't fool
yourselves. You don't; you don't know anything. All you ever knew about
football I could carve on granite and put in my eye and never feel it.
Nothing to nothing against a crowd of farmer boys who haven't known a
football from a duck's egg for more than a week! Bah! If I ever turned
the Old Folks' Home loose on you doll babies they'd run up a century
while you were hunting for your handkerchiefs. Jackson, what do you
suppose a halfback is for? I don't want cloak models. I want a man who
can stick his head down and run. Don't be afraid of that bean of yours;
it hasn't got anything worth saving in it. When you get the ball you're
supposed to run with it and not sit around trying to hatch it. You,
Saunders! You held that other guard just like a sweet-pea vine. Where
did you ever learn that sweet, lovely way of falling down on your nose
when a real man sneezes at you? Did you ever hear of sand? Eat it! Eat
it! Fill yourself up with it. I want you to get in that line this half
and stop something or I'll make you play left end in a fancy-work club.
Johnson, the only way to get you around the field is to put you on
wheels and haul you. Next time you grow fast to the ground I'm going to
violate some forestry regulations and take an axe to you. Same to you,
Briggs. You'd make the All-American boundary posts, but that's all.
Vance, I picked you for a quarterback, but I made a mistake; you ought
to be sorting eggs. That ball isn't red hot. You don't have to let go of
it as soon as you get it. Don't be afraid, nobody will step on you. This
isn't a rude game. It's only a game of post-office. You needn't act so
nervous about it. Maybe some of the big girls will kiss you, but it
won't hurt."

Bost stopped for breath and eyed us. We were a sick-looking crowd. You
could almost see the remarks sticking into us and quivering. We had come
in feeling pretty virtuous, and what we were getting was a hideous
surprise.

"Now I want to tell this tea-party something," continued Bost. "Either
you're going out on that field and score thirty points this last half or
I'm going to let the girls of Siwash play your football for you. I'm
tired of coaching men that aren't good at anything but falling down
scientifically when they're tackled. There isn't a broken nose among
you. Every one of you will run back five yards to pick o