lack and tattered. A large black negress, evidently his
consort, arises as witness against him. The case goes as follows:

JUDGE CRUTCHFIELD--Drunk?

THE WIFE (looking contemptuously at her spouse)--Drunk? Yass, Jedge,
drunk. _Always_ drunk.

THE PRISONER (meekly)--I ain't been drunk, Jedge.

THE JUDGE--Yes, you have. I can see you've got your sign up this
morning. (Looking toward cage at back of room): Make them niggers stop
talkin' back there! (To the wife): What did he do, Mandy?

THE WIFE (angrily)--Jedge, he come bustin' in, and he come so fast he
untook the do' off'n de hinges; den 'e begins--

THE JUDGE (to the prisoner, sarcastically)--You wasn't drunk, eh?

THE PRISONER (weakly)--I might of had a drink oh two.

THE JUDGE (severely)--Was--you--_drunk_?

THE PRISONER--No, suh, Jedge. Ah wasn't drunk. Ah don't think no man's
drunk s' long 's he can navigate, Jedge. I don't--

THE JUDGE--Oh, yes, he can be! He can navigate and navigate mighty
mean!--Ten dollars.

(At this point an officer speaks in a low tone to the judge, evidently
interceding for the prisoner.)

THE JUDGE (loudly)--No. That fine's very small. If it ain't worth ten
dollars to get drunk, it ain't worth nothing at all. Next case!

(While the next prisoner is being brought up, the judge entertains his
audience with one of the humorous monologues for which he is famous, and
which, together with the summary "justice" he metes out, keeps ripples
of laughter running through the room): I'm going to get drunk myself,
some day, and see what it does to me. [Laughter.] Mebbe I'll take a
little cocaine, too.

A NEGRO VOICE (from back of room, deep bass, and very fervent)--Oh,
_no-o-o_! Don't do dat, Jedge! [More laughter.]

THE JUDGE--Where's that prisoner? If he was a Baptist, he wouldn't be so
slow.

(The prisoner, a yellow negro, is brought to the bar. His trousers are
mended with a large safety pin and his other equipment is to match.)

THE JUDGE (inspecting the prisoner sharply)--You ain't a Richmond
nigger. I can tell that to look at you.

THE PRISONER--No, suh, Jedge. That's right.

THE JUDGE--Where you from? You're from No'th Ca'lina, ain't you?

THE PRISONER--Yas, suh, Jedge.

THE JUDGE--Six months!

(A great laugh rises from the courtroom at this. On inquiry we learn
that the "joke" depends upon the judge's well-known aversion for negroes
from North Carolina.)

Only recently I have heard Walter C. Kelly as "The Virginia J