mpt, but was
fond of study. Even at an early age her lively imagination attracted
attention, and the pleasure which she took in building castles in the air.
From the age of seven to ten she masturbated. At her first communion she
felt that Jesus would for ever be the one master of her heart. At
thirteen, after the death of her mother, she seemed to see her, and to
hear her say that she was watching over her child. Shortly afterward she
was overwhelmed by a new grief, the death of a teacher for whom she
cherished great affection on account of her pure character. On the
following day she seemed to see and hear this teacher, and would not leave
the house where the body lay. Tendencies to melancholy appeared. Saddened
by the funeral ceremonies, exhorted by nuns, fed on mystic revery, she
passed from the orphanage to a convent. She devoted herself solely to the
worship of Jesus; to be like Jesus, to be near Jesus, became her constant
pre-occupations. The Virgin's name was rarely seen in her writings, God's
name never. 'I wanted', she said, 'to love Jesus more than any of the nuns
I saw, and I even thought that he had a partiality for me.' She was also
haunted by the idea of preserving her purity. She avoided frivolous
conversation, and left the room when marriage was discussed, such a union
being incompatible with a pure life; 'it was my fixed idea for two years
to make my soul ever more pure in order to be agreeable to Him; the
Beloved is well pleased among the lilies.'

"Already, however, in a rudimentary form appeared contrary tendencies
[strictly speaking they were not contrary, but related, tendencies].
Beneath the mystic passion which concealed it sexual desire was sometimes
felt. At sixteen she experienced emotions which she could not master, when
thinking of a priest who, she said, loved her. In spite of all remorse she
would have been willing to have relations with him. Notwithstanding these
passing weaknesses, the idea of purity always possessed her. The nuns,
however, were concerned about her exaltation. She was sent away from the
convent, became discouraged, and took a place as a servant, but her fervor
continued. Her confessor inspired her with great affection; she sends him
tender letters. She would be willing to have relations with him, even
though she considers the desire a temptation of the devil. The ground was
now prepared for the manifestation of hallucinations. 'One evening in
May', she writes, 'after bei