Shall find me on the Links, and thinking
Of Tee, Tee, only Tee!
When rivals meet upon the ground,
The Putting-green's a realm enchanted,
Nay, in Society's giddy round
My soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is haunted
By Tee, Tee, only Tee!'

For that at early morn I waken,
And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,
For Tee, Tee, only Tee!
I'm game to start all in the dark
To the Links hurrying--resting never.
The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,
I halt not, heed not, hastening ever
To Tee, Tee, only Tee!

Of chilly fog I am no funker,
I'll brave the very biggest bunker
For Tee, Tee, only Tee!
A spell that nought on earth can break
Holds me. Golf's charms can ne'er be _spoken_;
But late I'll sleep, and early wake,
Of loyalty be this my token,
To Tee, Tee, only Tee!

* * * * *

INNS AND OUTS.

NO. II.--THE HEAD-WETTER.

I entitle him as self-pronounced. If "Mr." is the Grand-Hotel Jupiter,
the Head-Waiter is its Mercury. Nothing modern is so versatile as
the Head-Waiter. The first thing about the Head-Waiter is his cigars.
These are covered with tinsel and colours: very gay--almost as gay as
the Head-Waiter. They are of unpronounceable and unknown brands. They
vary in price and size, but agree in flavour--liquorice, tempered by
ink. Like the fabled fruit, they crumble to ashes in your mouth. If
you are only a bird of passage, you will often find a box or so in
your room. "Great opportunity--veritable Pestarenas of Nockudaun--one
whole box for a sovereign English," the Head-Waiter assures you. The
memory of that man is astounding; he remembers all the numbers, all
the wines, all the names, and all the Lady's-maids. For he is a bit
of a _Leporello_, is the Head-Waiter.

[Illustration: "One whole box for a sovereign English."]

After dinner, where he takes a dozen orders, makes a dozen
recommendations, and tells a dozen lies at once, you may see him
philandering by the Lake with MARY ANN, JEANETTE, and KLARA, all
jealous, and all adoring, teaching each the language of the other, and
all the art of love. I have often envied him. The Head-Waiter's life
is a "happy one." He is ubiquitous; Egypt, The Riviera, Switzerland,
and Italy, see him by turns; in each he has a white waistcoat,
of which Mr. CHAMBERLAIN might be proud, infinite occupation, and
infinite diversion; his nimbleness, his light-heartedness, his
la