him into gutters, made him friendly with a post;
And we snubbed him when he told us--we were always too pedantical--
That he saw a thousand niggers dressed in red on buttered toast.
He was better, now I know it, than our soberheaded crew,
We who added not a farthing to the country's revenue.

And, oh, the folly of his wife, I scarcely can imagine it,
When to his room he reeled at last and went to bed in boots.
And she, with all the bearing of a Tudor or Plantagenet,
Said royally, "We loathe you; you're no better than the brutes."
Shame upon her thus to rate him, for philanthropists are few
Who as much relieve our burdens, or increase the revenue.

But now we know that Surpluses will come to fill the Treasury,
If only, like the sea-port towns, we all keep drinking rum;
And he who swills unceasingly, and always without measure, he
Is truly patriotic, though Blue-ribbonites look glum.
For to him, above all others, easy temperance is due,
Since he cheapens tea by twopence as a source of revenue.

Then here's to those who toasted well the national prosperity,
And swelled the Surplus, draining whiskey, brandy, gin, or beer;
And the man who owns a bottle-nose he owns a badge of merit; he
Takes _Bardolph_, and not RANDOLPH, as a patron to revere.
Here's your health, my gallant Tippler, may you ne'er have cause to rue
That you blessed our common country as a source of revenue!

* * * * *

THE LAW AND THE LIVER.

[Two Magistrates have decided that selling coffee "containing
80 per cent. of chicory" is not punishable under the
Adulteration Act.]

EVER since drinking my morning cup of what my grocer humorously
describes as "French Coffee," I have suffered from headache, vertigo,
and uncontrollable dyspepsia. I wonder what can be the cause?

Perhaps the fact (inscribed on the bottom of the tin in very small
letters) that "this is a mixture of coffee and chicory," has something
to do with it.

Only as the chicory is in a majority of four to one, would it not be
more correct to describe it as "a mixture of chicory and coffee?"

I see that, in accordance with the Adulteration Act, my baker
now sells bread which he labels as "a compound of wheat and other
ingredients." Other disagreedients, he ought to say.

"Partly composed of fresh fruit," is the inscription on the jam
I purchase. This means one raspberry to a pound of m