had
been in the House telling his Mother that it was a Glorious Privilege to
wash for a Living.

After the Benevolent Lady went away the Kid's Mother sat down and had a
Good Cry, and the Scrappy Kid thought it was up to him. He went out to
the Alley and found a Tomato Can that was not working, and he waited.

In a little while the Benevolent Lady came out of a Basement, in which
she had been telling a Polish Family to look at her and be Happy. The
Scrappy Kid let drive, and the Tomato Can struck the Benevolent Lady
between the Shoulder Blades. She squawked and started to run, fell over
a Garbage Box, and had to be picked up by a Policeman.

She went Home in a Cab, and told her Husband that the Liquor League had
tried to Assassinate her, because she was Reforming so many Drunkards.
That settled it with her--she said she wouldn't try to be Benevolent
any more--so she joined an Ibsen Club.

The Scrappy Kid grew up to be a Corrupt Alderman, and gave his Mother
plenty of Good Clothes, which she was always afraid to wear.

MORAL: _In uplifting, get underneath._

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ UNINTENTIONAL HEROES _OF_ CENTREVILLE

In Centreville there lived two husky Young Fellows named Bill and
Schuyler--commonly abbreviated to Schuy. They did not find any
nourishing Excitement in a Grain Elevator, so they Enlisted to Free
Cuba.

The Government gave each of them a Slouch Hat and a prehistoric Firearm.
They tied Red Handkerchiefs around their Necks and started for the
Front, each with his Head out of the Car Window. They gave the Sioux
Yell to everybody along the Track between Centreville and Tampa.

While in Camp they played Double Pedie, smoked Corn-Cob Pipes, and
cussed the Rations. They referred to the President of these United
States as "Mac," and spoke of the beloved Secretary of War as "Old
Alger."

After more or less Delay they went aboard a Boat, and were landed in
Cuba, where they began to Shoot at everything that looked Foreign. The
hot Rain drenched them, and the tropical Sun steamed them; they had Mud
on their clothes, and had to sleep out. When they were unusually Tired
and Hungry, they would sing Coon Songs and Roast the War Department.

At last they were ordered Home. On the way back they didn't think of
Anything except their two Lady Friends, who worked in the Centreville
Steam Laundry.

[Illustration: SCHUY]

They rode into Town with a Machete under each Arm, and their Pockets
full of Mauser C