_'ave_ got, Sir.
Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer
in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny
sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny
one, Sir? (_The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline,
at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him_.) No, Sir? Much
obliged, Sir. Let me see--(_with a touch of sarcasm_)--you part your
'air a one side, I _think_, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir.
Pay at the counter, _if_ you please. Shop--there!

_The Loq. Ass._ Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to
look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir.

[_The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and
instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a
defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The
Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows.
The two Assistants are left alone._

_The Loq. Ass._ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I
tumbled to him?

_The S.A._ (_with superiority_). I _heard_ you, o' course, but, as
I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it _delicate_ enough! When
you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much
of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is
to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard _me_ stoop to flattery nor yet
over-familiarity--and yet you can see for yourself I manage without
'urting nobody's feelings--however bald! That's _tact_, that is!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.]

* * * * *

HORACE IN LONDON.

TO A WAITER. (_AD PUERUM._)

[Illustration]

None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter;
Call not "Potato" a "_Pomme-de-terre, maiter_
_D'ottle_." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater,"
As Britons, sure, may.

As for _decor_, let the linen be stainless--
Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless.
_Crowns_, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less
Oft from a _gourmet_.

* * * * *

MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of _The History
of the Popes_ (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I
particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all
about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists."

* * * * *

SERIOUS CASE.--A patient who doesn't