* * * *

[Illustration: _Sailor (who has been reprimanded by young officer for
not saluting him)._ "Beg pardon, Sir; but you Tommies are all so much
alike." ]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party_).
"I say, I thought--"

_Host._ "Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only
think you're a bit old-fashioned."]

* * * * *

THE OFFICIAL STYLE.

Extract from an Indian Service register:--

"Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14. He was appointed
acting Forest Guard and posted to Surumoni beat, in place of
Chowdri Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a tiger with
effect from the forenoon of 16th Oct. 1914."

* * * * *

AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.

Here where the world is quiet except for the noise of the rain trickling
into one's valise through the nooks and crannies of one's rustic
apartment--here where there is no peril from above and no peril from in
front, neither peril of enfilade, here too--it is a Base I am doing this
sentence about--we have our problems.

To begin with there is the glorious uncertainty of things. Some men are
here to-day and the far side of Wipers to-morrow night. Others arrive
from England thirsting for all sorts of things that no sane man ever
wants to have anything to do with, and are kept doing a bomb course and
a machine-gun course on alternate days for eight months. There is a tale
told of one such who, when he was finally sent to the trenches, was
returned as hopeless after three days because he would do nothing except
sit beside a machine gun trying to fill the belt with grenades. There is
no sadder story in the War.

Now if I knew for certain that I was going to be here eight months I
could marry and settle down. Or if I knew for certain I was for Wipers
to-morrow night I could make a new will--not that there's anything the
matter with the old one, but I met a man on leave who put me up to some
good tips in will-making--and settle up. But as it is part of our
military system for junior officers not to know anything I dare not even
have my letters forwarded.

Anyhow, Bases are not what they were in my young days. Of course there
were always parades; but you obviously couldn't parade while you were
busy over some Alternative Necessary Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties
were always