'I put it to ye if
a wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep,
an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda
boiled, an' if the leg iv a ginea pig, an' ye said yesterdah about
bicarbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th' slimy,
slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a jawbone or a
goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches--that is, two
inches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with ye intirely,' says
th' profissor, 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an' ir'n basin, with
bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an' coal tar, which I
will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot fire, an' left in a
cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which I will call glue,
an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an' obtained a dark, queer
solution that is a cure f'r freckles, which I will call antimony or
doughnuts or annything I blamed please.'

"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas,--an'
I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,--an' supposin'
that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a
thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you
may, takin' into account th' measuremints,--twelve be eight,--th' vat
bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'
green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'In
th' winter,' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimes
seen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid
bones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in a
cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will
call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse to
call; but th' raysult is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'
Answer: 'Yis.' Th' coort: 'Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'
Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:
'It dissolves th' hair.'

"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has that
collection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here polite
discussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else means?
Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'
tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgert
look as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife l