he gets hooam his wife finds a woman's neet-cap hung to
his coit button. A chap luks fooilish when he's tellin' a tale an'
forgets hah it finishes. A woman luks fooilish when shoo's lost her
hair pins, an' her false bob's hingin' daan her back. An' ther are
times when we're all fooilish, an' awm feeard if aw doant stop yo may
begin to think me fooilish, soa aw'll drop it.

Cleenin' Daan Month

May is abaat th' warst pairt o'th' year for a wed chap, for he connot
walk aat, an' he cannot be comfortable at hooam, becoss it's th'
cleeanin' daan time. Talk abaat weshin' days! they're fooils to
cleeanin' days. Buckstun lime an' whitewesh, bees-wax an' turpitine--
black-leead an' idleback, stare a chap i' th' face ivery where. Pots
an' pans--weshin' bowls an' peggy tubs, winteredges an' clooas lines--
brooms an' besoms--dish claots an' map claots, block up ivery nook
an' corner; an' if iver ther is a time when a chap darn't spaik it's
then. If he thinks th' haase is cleean enuff, an' doesn't want owt
dooin' at, his wife's sure to call him a mucky haand, an' say 'at he
wodn't care if he wor up to th' shoo tops i' filth; an' if he says he
thinks it wants a cleean, shoo'll varry sooin ax him if he can tell
her whear ther's another haase as cleean, for shoo doesn't know one,
an' if he does, he's welcome to goa. But it all ends i' th' same
thing--its th' time o' th' year for a reight upset, an' it 'll ha to
have it, whether it wants it or net. Ther's noa way to suit a woman
at sich times, but to be as quiet as yo can. If yo say, "Come, lass,
con aw help thi a bit," shoo's sure to snap at yo, as if shoo'd bite
yor heead off, an' tell yo to get aat ov her gate, for yor allus under
her nooas, woll shoo can do nowt. An' if yo goa aat o'th' gate,
shoo'll ax yo as sooin as yo come in, ha yo can fashion to spend' yor
time gaddin abaat when yo know ha things is at hooam, an' you dooant
care th' toss ov a button for her, but just mak her into a slave, an'
niver think o' sich a thing as liggin' on a helpin' hand. Ther's noa
way to do but to bide it as weel as yo can, an' say little, for it
doesn't last long. But even when its ovver, yo mun be careful what yo
say, for if yo tell her yo think it luks better for th' labor, shoo's
sure to say at "shoo sees varry little difference, an' shoo wor fare
capt, for ivery thing wor as cleean as a pin." An' if yo say yo can
see noa difference, shoo'll say, "Tha can see nowtt,"--but shoo