snut, of more
life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motion--it so fell
out, however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and
as Phutatorius sat straddling under--it fell perpendicularly into that
particular aperture of Phutatorius's breeches, for which, to the shame
and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is no chaste word
throughout all Johnson's dictionary--let it suffice to say--it was that
particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum
do strictly require, like the temple of Janus (in peace at least) to be
universally shut up.

The neglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius (which by-the-bye should be
a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident.--

Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speaking--but
in no opposition to the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in
this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of
it--and are so to this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the
whole event--but that the chesnut's taking that particular course,
and in a manner of its own accord--and then falling with all its heat
directly into that one particular place, and no other--was a real
judgment upon Phutatorius for that filthy and obscene treatise de
Concubinis retinendis, which Phutatorius had published about twenty
years ago--and was that identical week going to give the world a second
edition of.

It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy--much
undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the question--all that
concerns me as an historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and
render it credible to the reader, that the hiatus in Phutatorius's
breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the chesnut;--and that the
chesnut, somehow or other, did fall perpendicularly, and piping hot into
it, without Phutatorius's perceiving it, or any one else at that time.

The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for
the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds--and did no more than
gently solicit Phutatorius's attention towards the part:--But the heat
gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the
point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the
regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with all his ideas,
his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution,
deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalio