ricacies of his department, taking care that
his model appropriately differs from the original in having no means
of exit.

The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national
accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes by
using the pill _(a)_ as a fertiliser for the Officers' tennis lawn,
and _(b)_ as a destroyer of the superfluous grass bordering thereon.

Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing on
their own feet without the assistance of their respective Company
Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.--Absolute silence is requested during this
very delicate performance.)

The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt saluting.

* * * * *

TO MY DRESS SUIT.

Old friend, well met! I've longed for this reunion;
You've been the lodestar of this storm-tossed ship
In those long hours which poets call Communion
With one's own Soul, and common folk the Pip.

The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster.
Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit soared
And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre
Gracing some well-spread and convivial board.

And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile
Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too svelte?
What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, while
A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt?

As April fills the buds to shapely beauty,
As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and tea,
So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity
May fill the gap that sunders you from me.

And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner
I'll save you from the gaze of scornful eyes.
They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner;
I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _The Mayor_. "THE CONTENTS OF THE PURSE WILL IN TIME
INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT (_laying his hand on the clock_) HERE IS
SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO."]

* * * * *

A PLEA FOR PROPORTION.

[Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd
George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, _The
Daily Express_ recently went one better with the headline,
"Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the subheading of its
"Peace Conference Notes."]

Has it always been this way, I wonder,
Did editors always display
The same disposition to blunder
O'er the weight of the news of the day?
When simpler was war an