imports genuine brandy. He usually
"rectifies" and adulterates it by adding eighty-five gallons of pure
spirits (refined whisky,) to fifteen gallons of brandy, to give it a
flavor; then colors and "doctors" it, and it is ready for sale. Suppose
an Albany wholesale-dealer purchases, for pure brandy, ten pipes of this
adulterated brandy from a New York importer. The Albany man immediately
doubles his stock by adding an equal quantity of pure spirits. There are
then seven and a half gallons of brandy in a hundred. A Buffalo
liquor-dealer buys from the Albany man, and he in turn adds one-half
pure spirits. The Chicago dealer buys from the Buffalo dealer, and as
nearly all spirit-dealers keep large quantities of pure spirits on hand,
and know how to use it, he again doubles the quantity of his brandy by
adding pure spirits; and the Milwaukee liquor-dealer does the same,
after purchasing from the Chicago man. So, in the ordinary course of
liquor transactions, by the time a hundred gallon pipe of pure brandy
reaches Wisconsin, at a cost of five or perhaps ten dollars per gallon,
ninety-nine gallons and one pint of it is the identical whisky that was
shipped from Wisconsin the same year at fifty cents per gallon. Truly a
homoeopathic dose of genuine brandy! And even that whisky when it left
Wisconsin was only half whisky; for there are men in the whisky-making
States who make it a business to take whisky direct from the distillery,
add to it an equal quantity of water, and then bring it up to a bead and
the power of intoxication, by mixing in a variety of the villainous
drugs and deadly poisons enumerated in this chapter. The annual loss of
strength, health, and life caused by the adulteration of liquor is truly
appalling. Those who have not examined the subject can form no just
estimate of the atrocious and extensive effects of this murderous
humbug.

CHAPTER XX.

THE PETER FUNKS AND THEIR FUNCTIONS.--THE RURAL DIVINE AND THE
WATCH.--RISE AND PROGRESS OF MOCK AUCTIONS.--THEIR DECLINE AND FALL.

Not many years ago, a dignified and reverend man, whose name is well
known to me, was walking sedately down Broadway. He was dressed in
clerical garb of black garments and white neckcloth. He was a man of
great learning, profound thought, long experience, unaffected piety, and
pure and high reputation.

All at once, a kind of chattering shout smote him fair in the left ear:

"Narfnarfnarf! Three shall I have? Narfnarfnarfn