tects nowadays make such staircases as are
absolutely preferable to ottomans. Restore rather the virtuous garret
steps of our ancestors.

Concerning the chimneys in the apartment of madame, you must take care
to place in the flue, five feet from the ground, an iron grill, even
though it be necessary to put up a fresh one every time the chimney is
swept. If your wife laughs at this precaution, suggest to her the number
of murders that have been committed by means of chimneys. Almost all
women are afraid of robbers. The bed is one of those important pieces
of furniture whose structure will demand long consideration. Everything
concerning it is of vital importance. The following is the result of
long experience in the construction of beds. Give to this piece of
furniture a form so original that it may be looked upon without disgust,
in the midst of changes of fashion which succeed so rapidly in rendering
antiquated the creations of former decorators, for it is essential that
your wife be unable to change, at pleasure, this theatre of married
happiness. The base should be plain and massive and admit of no
treacherous interval between it and the floor; and bear in mind always
that the Donna Julia of Byron hid Don Juan under her pillow. But it
would be ridiculous to treat lightly so delicate a subject.

LXII.
The bed is the whole of marriage.

Moreover, we must not delay to direct your attention to this wonderful
creation of human genius, an invention which claims our recognition much
more than ships, firearms, matches, wheeled carriages, steam engines
of all kinds, more than even barrels and bottles. In the first place,
a little thought will convince us that this is all true of the bed;
but when we begin to think that it is our second father, that the most
tranquil and most agitated half of our existence is spent under its
protecting canopy, words fail in eulogizing it. (See Meditation XVII,
entitled "Theory of the Bed.")

When the war, of which we shall speak in our third part, breaks out
between you and madame, you will always have plenty of ingenious excuses
for rummaging in the drawers and escritoires; for if your wife is trying
to hide from you some statue of her adoration, it is your interest to
know where she has hidden it. A gyneceum, constructed on the method
described, will enable you to calculate at a glance, whether there is
present in it two pounds of sil