29

Which am de Mightiest 219

Widow Bedott's Poetry 112

Wilkins on Accomplishments
7
[Illustration]

THE

UNIVERSAL RECITER.

WILKINS ON ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

A DUOLOGUE.

JOHN QUILL.

MR. WILKINS. Mrs. Wilkins, of all the aggravating women I ever came
across, you are the worst. I believe you'd raise a riot in the cemetry
if you were dead, you would. Don't you ever go prowling around any
Quaker meeting, or you'll break it up in a plug muss. You? Why you'd
put any other man's back up until he broke his spine. Oh! you're too
annoying to live; I don't want to bother with you. Go to sleep.

MRS. WILKINS. But, Wilkins dear, just listen a minute. We must have
that piano, and--

MR. W. Oh! don't "dear" me; I won't have it. You're the only dear
thing around here--you're dear at any price. I tell you once for
all that I don't get any new piano, and Mary Jane don't take singing
lessons as long as I'm her father. There! If you don't understand that
I'll say it over again. And now stop your clatter and go to sleep; I'm
tired of hearing you cackle.

MRS. W. But, Wilk--

MR. W. Now don't aggravate me. I say Mary Jane shan't learn to sing
and plant another instrument of torture in this house, while I'm boss
of the family. Her voice is just like yours; it's got a twang to it
like blowing on the edge of a piece of paper.

MRS. W. Ain't you ashamed, Wilk--

MR. W. It's disgrace enough to have _you_ sitting down and pretending
to sing, and trying to deafen people, without having the children
do it. The first time I heard you sing I started round to the
station-house and got six policemen, because I thought there was a
murder in your house, and they were cutting you up by inches. I wish
somebody would! I wouldn't go for any policeman now, not much!

MRS. W. I declare, you are a perfect brute!

MR. W. Not much, I wouldn't! But Smith, he told me yesterday that his
family were kept awake half the night by the noise you made; and he
said if I didn't stop those dogs from yowling in my cellar, he'd be
obliged to complain to the board of health.

MRS. W. What an awful story, Mr. Wilk--

MR. W. Then I told him it was you, and you thought you could sing;
and he advised me as a friend to get a divorce, because he said no
man could live happily with any