apers that a peerage is
to be conferred upon him and that his name is to be included in
the list of this year's birthday honours.--_Daily Chronicle._]

"No bally fear!
I _won't_ be a peer;
I've given my bond,"
Says Sir Alfred Mond;
"But it won't make me scunner
If they elevate Brunner."

"A belted earldom's far beyond
My poor deserts: it _must be_ Mond.
He's so distinguished, such a stunner
In every sort of way," says Brunner.

"As a thorough-going democrat
I always travel steerage;
I'd sooner eat my Sunday hat
Than take a nasty Peerage;
Such sops the snobbish crowd may soothe,
But not yours truly, Handel Booth."

"As a simple Knight
I'm quite all right,
But to make me a peer
Would be rather queer;
It might also disturb
Sir George," says Sir Herb.

"This time you've backed the winning horse,
I'm bound to be a Duke, of course;
But wait and see--the slightest hitch
Might altogether queer my pitch;
So mum's the word," says Little Tich.

"The rumours of Our elevation
Are totally without foundation.
On peerages We turn Our backs,
Signed with Our seal,
_Revue_-King Max."

"He that on frippery sets his heart
May purchase titles such as Bart.;
These garish gauds my spirit spurns,
I'm greater as I am," says Burns.

"Yon tale aboot ma Coronet
Is comin' off, but not juist yet;
Aw'm haudin' oot for somethin' smarter,
For choice the Thistle or the Garter;
Whichever ribbon is the broader
A'll tak wi' joy," says Harry Lauder.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Voice from Above (to individuals entering house with
burglarious intent)._ "I say, you'd better come again after a while; we
aren't all in bed yet."]

* * * * *

THE COMPLETE DRAMATIST.

II.--Exits and Entrances.

To the young playwright, the difficulty of getting his characters on to
the stage would seem much less than the difficulty of finding them
something to say when they are there. He writes gaily and without
hesitation "_Enter_ Lord Arthur Fluffinose," and only then begins to
bite the end of his penholder and gaze round his library for
inspiration. Yet it is on that one word "Enter" that his reputation for
dramatic technique will hang. Why did _Lord Arthur Fluffinose_ enter?
The obvious answer, that the firm which is mentioned in the programme as
supplying his trousers would be