ors, I'll allow,
The centipede, perhaps the cow,
But nothing in the Zoo;
The things that wriggle, jump or crawl,
The things that climb about the wall,
And I know what is worst of all--
It is the earwig--_ugh_!

The earwig's face is far from kind;
He must have got a spiteful mind;
The pincers which he wears behind
Are poisonous, of course;
And Nanny knew a dreadful one
Which bit a gentleman for fun
And terrified a horse.

He is extremely swift and slim,
And if you try to tread on him
He scuttles up the path;
He goes and burrows in your sponge
And takes one wild terrific plunge
When you are in the bath;
Or else--and this is simply foul--
He gets into a nice hot towel
And waits till you are dried,
And then, when Nanny does your ears,
He _wrrriggles_ in and disappears:
He stays in there for years and years
And _crrrawls_ about inside.
At last, if you are still alive,
A lot of baby ones arrive;
But probably you've died.

How inconvenient it must be!
There isn't any way, you see,
To get him out again;
So, when you want to frighten me
Or really give me pain,
Please don't go on about that bear
And all those burglars on the stair;
I shouldn't turn a tiny hair
At such Victorian stuff;
You only have to say instead,
"THERE IS AN EARWIG IN YOUR BED"
And that will be enough.

A.P.H.

* * * * *

MY RIGHT-HAND MAN.

On glancing the other day through the only human column of my
newspaper--that headed "Personal"--I was much intrigued by the
advertisement of a gentleman who styled himself a "busy commercial
magnate," and who announced his urgent need of a "right-hand man." The
duties of the post were not particularised, but their importance was
made clear by the statement that "any salary within reason" would be
paid to a really suitable person.

No, I did not think of applying for the post myself; a twelve months'
adjutancy to a dyspeptic Colonel had long cured me of the desire to
bottle-wash for anyone again, however lavish the remuneration. But, I
thought to myself, it must evidently be a profitable notion to employ
a right-hand man, or why should this magnate person be so airy on the
subject of salary? Would it not then pay me to engage somebody in
a similar capacity? Increased production, in spite of Trade Union
economics, is emphatically