by irresponsible adults of all ages and countries."

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE HOME.

III.--THE GUEST.

I have a friend; his name is John;
He's nothing much to dote upon,
But, on the whole, a pleasant soul
And, like myself, no paragon.

I have a house, and, then again,
An extra room to take a guest;
And in my house I have a spouse.
It's good for me; I don't protest.

By her is every virtue taught;
Man does as he is told, and ought;
He has to eat his own conceit,
So, "Just the place for John!" I thought.

The unsuspecting guest arrives;
But (note the worthlessness of wives)
Does he endure the kill-or-cure
Refining process? No, he thrives.

He's led to think that he has got
The very virtues I have not;
Her every phrase is subtle praise
And oh! how he absorbs the lot.

She finds his wisdom full of wit
And listens to no end of it;
And if he dash tobacco-ash
On carpets doesn't mind a bit.

All that the human frame requires,
From flattery to bedroom fires,
Is his; and I must self-deny
To satisfy his least desires.

I have a friend; his name is John;
I tell him he is "getting on"
And "growing fat," and things like that....
He pays no heed. He's too far gone.

HENRY.

* * * * *

"PUPILS wanted for Pianoforte and Theory.--J.G. Peat, Dyer and
Cleaner."--_New Zealand Herald._

"That strain again! It had a dying fall."--_Twelfth Night_, Act I., Sc. 1,
4.

* * * * *

"The lowest grade of porter is the grade from which railway employees
in the traffic departments gravitate to higher positions."--_Daily
Paper._

The EINSTEIN theory is beginning to capture our journalists.

* * * * *

There was a Society Sinner
Who no longer was asked out to dinner;
This proof of his guilt
So caused him to wilt
That he's now emigrated to Pinner.

* * * * *

[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.

_Post-War Sportsman._"WOT'S THE MATTER?"

_Mrs. P.-W.S._"WHEN I WANT HIM TO JUMP THE FENCE HE JUST STOPS AND EATS IT.
WHAT AM I TO DO?"

_P.-W.S._ "COME ALONG WI' ME, MY DEAR; I'LL SHOW YOU. 'E CAN'T EAT A
GATE."]

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned