to identify it. It
possesses, moreover, a moo which is a blend between a ship's siren and a
taxicab's honk syringe. If you haven't heard either of these instruments
you may take my word for them. Further, I think it may really assist you if
I describe its tail. The last two feet of it have become unravelled, and
the upper part is red, with a white patch where the tail is fastened on to
the body.

It is only the moo part of the cow that is annoying me; I like the rest of
it. I am engaged in writing a book on the Dynamic Force of Modern Art, and
a solo on the Moo does not blend well with such labour as mine.

There are hens here at Hillcroft. This remark may seem irrelevant, but not
if you read on. Every time one of these hens brings five-pence-halfpenny
worth of egg into the world it makes a noise commensurate with this feat.
But I contend that even if your cow laid an egg every time it moos (which
it doesn't, so far as my survey reveals) its idiotic bellowing would still
be out of all proportion to the achievement. Even milk at a shilling a
quart scarcely justifies such assertiveness.

My friend Mr. Hobson may, of course, have offended the animal in question,
but even so I cannot see why I should have to put up with its horrible
revenge; which brings me to the real and ultimate reason for troubling you,
and that is, to ask you if you will be so good as to tell the cow to
desist, and, in case of its refusal, to remove it to other quarters. If the
annoyance continues I cannot answer for the consequences.

Thanking you in anticipation,
I am, Yours faithfully,
ARTHUR K. WILKINSON.

The reply ran:--

DEER SIR,--i am not a scollard and can't understand more'n 'alf your letter
if you don't lik my cow why not go back were you cum from i dunno what you
mean by consequences but if you lay 'ands on my cow i'll 'ave the lor of
you.

Yours obedient HENRY GIBBS.

I felt that I hadn't got off very well with Henry, and thought I would try
again, so wrote:--

DEAR MR. GIBBS,--Thank you so much for your too delightful letter. I am
afraid you somewhat misapprehended the purport of mine. I freely admit your
right to turn all manner of beasts into your demesne; equally do I concede
to them the right to play upon such instruments as Nature has handed out to
them; but I also claim the right to be allowed to carry on my work
undisturbed. The consequences would be to me, not to the cow, unless
laryngitis superven