the conclusion of the day's work, would be privileged to pick out
some child as nearly as possible similar in age and sex to his own
absent offspring. He would then deal with this child according to
the necessities of its condition. If it were an extremely young
infant, a bottle properly prepared would be ready in the club
kitchen, and he could administer it. The club bathroom would be
filled with hilarious members on their knees beside small tubs,
bathing such urchins as needed it. Others would be playing games on
the floor, or tucking the children in bed. It ought to be quite
feasible to hire a number of children for this purpose. During the
day they would be cared for by a competent matron. Baby carriages
would be provided, and if any of the club members were compelled to
remain in town over the week-end they could take the children for an
airing in the park.

AJAX: This is a brave idea, Socrates. And then, when all the
children were bedded for the night, how would the domestic
atmosphere be simulated?

SOCRATES: Nothing simpler. After dinner such husbands as are
accustomed to washing the dishes would be allowed to do so in the
club kitchen. During the day it would be the function of the matron
to think up a number of odd jobs to be performed in the course of
the evening. Pictures would be hung, clocks wound, a number of tin
cans would be waiting to be opened with refractory can openers, and
there would always be several window blinds that had gone wrong. A
really resourceful matron could devise any number of ways of making
the club seem just like home. One night she would discern a smell of
gas, the next there might be a hole in the fly-screens, or a little
carpentering to do, or a caster broken under the piano. Husbands
with a turn for plumbing would find the club basement a perpetual
place of solace, with a fresh leak or a rumbling pipe every few
days.

AJAX: Admirable! And if the matron really wanted to make the members
feel at home she would take a turn through the building every now
and then, to issue a gentle rebuke for cigar ashes dropped on the
rugs or feet elevated on chairs.

SOCRATES: The really crowning touch, I think, would lie in the
ice-box raids. A large ice-box would be kept well stocked with
remainders of apple pie, macaroni, stewed prunes, and chocolate
pudding. Any husband, making a cautious inroad upon these about
midnight, would surely have the authentic emotion of being in his
own home