be employed and
possibly act in collusion with the R.T.O., these sums of money might
be regarded as prizes, and would create a pleasant excitement without
amounting to any great expense for the Company.

Those willing to pay high prices would have arranged for them such
displays as "normal artillery activity," pukka strafes, S.O.S.
bombardments or barrages chaperoning infantry advances, while balloons
might be set on fire, dumps blown up, or leave cancelled at special
rates. There might also be an assortment of inexpensive and amusing
side-shows, such as a Second-in-command trying to check a monthly
return of dripping, or a conscientious gunner calculating the correct
corrector corrections.

Should an application be received from any person anxious to
experience war from the "Receipts" end he would be granted free entry
to the area on the far side of the line, protected grand-stands being
erected, from which, on suitable payment, spectators could study his
deportment. A short stay in the "enemy's area" during a strafe might
be recommended for politicians and arranged by their constituents.

Space forbids further detail. It remains only for a Company to be
formed--affiliated perhaps to the Bureau of Information--a detailed
prospectus issued and applications invited for posts under the Army
of Entertainment, Ltd.

I shall myself be willing to serve the Company in the capacity of a
Town Major on condition that a suitable town is provided.

* * * * *

[Illustration: FOREWARNED.

_Poor Old Woman (to youth, who has given her a gratuity and relieved
her of her load of wood)_. "I PRESUME, MY KIND YOUNG FRIEND, THAT YOU
ARE THE YOUNGEST OF THE THREE BROTHERS WHO ARE GOING OUT TO SEEK THEIR
FORTUNES?"

_Clever Youth_. "NO, I'M THE ELDEST. BUT I'VE BEEN READING THE
STORIES."]

* * * * *

WISE WORDS FOR BIRDS.

Dear Mr. Punch,--While lately turning over some old family papers I
came across a number of maxims in rhyme which seem to me to be worthy
of publication at a time devoted to good cheer. The form appears to be
the same as that expressed in the familiar couplets on the woodcock
and the partridge; but these variations on an old theme have at least
the merit of freshness and originality.

I begin in order of magnitude with the ostrich:--

"If an ostrich had but a woodcock's thigh
It would only be some three feet high.
If a woodcock had but an