isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's
such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell
is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors,
ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for
ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to
Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's?
Jack. I suppose so, if you want to.
Algernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are
not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
[Enter Lane.]
Lane. Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and
Gwendolen.]
Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving
very well.
Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things
rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.]
Algernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart!
Gwendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?
Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [Gwendolen and
Jack sit down together in the corner.]
Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was
obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor
husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty
years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice
cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]
Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
Gwendolen. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.
Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why
are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning,
sir. I went down twice.
Algernon. No cucumbers!
Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money.
Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you.
Lane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]
Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no
cucumbers, not even for ready money.
Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some
crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for
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