my hands at
gardening, so it made no difference. I replaced piles of books,
crockery, china, that Miriam had left packed for Greenwell; I
discovered I could empty a dirty hearth, dust, move heavy weights, make
myself generally useful and dirty, and all this is thanks to the
Yankees! Poor me! This time last year I thought I would never walk
again! If I am not laid up forever after the fatigue of this last week,
I shall always maintain I have a Constitution. But it all seems nothing
in this confusion; everything is almost as bad as ever. Besides that, I
have been flying around to get Miriam a wagon. I know she is half
distracted at being there alone. Mother chose staying with all its
evils. Charlie's life would pay the penalty of a cotton burner if he
returned, so Lilly remains at Greenwell with him. We three will get on
as best we can here. I wrote to the country to get a wagon, sent a pass
from Headquarters, but I will never know if it reached her until I see
her in town. I hope it will; I would be better satisfied with Miriam.

June 4th.

Miriam and Mattie drove in, in the little buggy, last evening after
sunset, to find out what we were to do. Our condition is desperate.
Beauregard is about attacking these Federals. They say he is coming
from Corinth, and the fight will be in town. If true, we are lost
again. Starvation at Greenwell, fever and bullets here, will put an end
to us soon enough. There is no refuge for us, no one to consult.
Brother, whose judgment we rely on as implicitly as we did on father's,
we hear has gone to New York; there is no one to advise or direct us,
for, if he is gone, there is no man in Louisiana whose decision I would
blindly abide by. Let us stay and die. We can only die once; we can
suffer a thousand deaths with suspense and uncertainty; the shortest is
the best. Do you think the few words here can give an idea of our agony
and despair? Nothing can express it. I feel a thousand years old
to-day. I have shed the bitterest tears to-day that I have shed since
father died. I can't stand it much longer; I'll give way presently, and
I know my heart will break. Shame! Where is God? A fig for your
religion, if it only lasts while the sun shines! "Better days are
coming"--I can't!

Troops are constantly passing and repassing. They have scoured the
country for ten miles out, in search of guerrillas. We are here without
servants, cloth