Nothing remained, then, but to economise
the hours, and let them glide by with as little restriction as might be.
There was but one alloy to this plan--its selfishness; but when may
a man practise egotism so pardonably as when about to part with what
comprises it?

"I came away from England, then, with that same sentiment that made the
condemned captain beg he might be bled to death rather than fall beneath
the axe. I would, if possible, have my last days and hours calm and
unruffled, even by fear--little dreaming how vain are all such devices
to cheat one's destiny, and that death is never so terrible as when
life becomes dear. Yes, my friend, such has been my fate; in the calm
happiness of home here--the first time I ever knew the word's true
meaning--I learned to wish for life, for days of that peaceful happiness
where the present is tempered by the past, and hope has fewer checks,
because it comes more chastened by experience. You little thought, that
in making my days thus blissful my sorrow to part with them would be
a heavy recompense.... Nay, hear me out; words of encouragement only
increase my misery--they give not hope, they only awaken fresh feelings
of affection, so soon to be cold for ever."

How I approached the subject on which my heart was set I cannot now
remember--abruptly, I fear; imperfectly and dubiously I know: because
Sir Gordon, one of the most patient and forbearing of men, suddenly
interrupted me by a violent exclamation, "Hold! stay! not a word more!
Templeton, this cannot be; once for all, never recur to this again!"
Shocked, almost terrified by the agitation in his looks, I was unable
to speak for some seconds; and while I saw that some misconception of
my meaning had occurred, yet, in the face of his prohibition, I could
scarcely dare an attempt to rectify it. While I remained thus in painful
uncertainty, he seemed, by a strong effort, to have subdued his emotion,
and at length said, "Not even to you, my dear friend--to you, to whom I
owe the hope that has sustained me for many a day past, can I reveal
the secret source of this sorrow, nor say why what you propose is
impossible. I dreaded something like this--I foresaw how it might
be; nay, my selfishness was such that I rejoiced at it, for her sake.
There--there, I will not trust myself with more. Leave me, Templeton;
whatever your griefs, they are as nothing compared to mine."

I left him, and, hastening towards the lake side, soon los